I write…
It’s hard to come back in a way, even if I have been craving putting words to a page, letting out my thoughts, my fears, my ambitions and of course, confessing my multitude of mistakes as a parent. I feel like I have so much to recount. In fact every time I start writing, I stop and think “there’s just too much, what’s the point?”

But there is a point. A starting point. It may not be where I want to begin and I might recount as I go, but I have to start somewhere.

I will start with this week. It has been a crazy week. No-- it has been a crazy month. But alas, this week.


I feel like I have done a fairly good job mothering two and keeping it together…until this week. I guess it finally hit me. Wednesday. My insecurities started chipping away at me. Of course, it didn’t just begin on Wednesday. I am sure little by little I have lost bits of strength in being a stay at home momma. I mean, even Monday is worth remembering.


Monday- We went to stroller strides (a workout for moms where you can bring your kiddos) at the mall. It’s always a push to do this, knowing that Skyler might break down because he can’t get out of the stroller to see the fish and Lincoln might start wailing his “feed me now” cry. But I go because I feel incredible afterwards. And that my friends, is worth a tantrum or two.
We decided to stay for the craft afterwards which was a cute little rainbow hat (in honor of St. Patty’s day). I let Skyler out of the stroller so he could pick out some colors for the rainbow. I turned around for one second and out of the corner of my eye I saw him go around a wall. Assuming that he would come back around in the circle, I finished what I was doing and looked up again. I scanned the children fast for my boy. No sign. “Where is he?” I thought to myself and my heart began to race. I picked up Lincoln and started walking. Fast. I went to the one store I thought he would have gone to—a children’s book store with his favorite Thomas the Train set. No sign. I darted out and started asking people. As I came out of the storefront, I saw another mom with the same panic on her face. Her son (Skyler’s same age) was missing as well. I let her know the boys were not in the bookstore and we continued our search, enlisting other mothers as we went. After running around like a chicken with my head cutoff, I hear a mom say, “They’re in the elevator!” I bolted towards the glass elevator, and sure enough the boys were in there. As I came to the door feeling a million emotions, I saw him. Smiling. He looked up with me with those big browns and smiled.


I.WAS. FURIOUS. How could he take off like that? I wanted him to understand my fear and my anger. I wanted him to know I thought someone took him and that for a second I thought I might not see my baby again. I grabbed him by the arm and told him never to run away from me again. I could feel the heat behind my eyes, but no tears came. I wouldn’t let them. I was among new friends. Which lead to embarrassment. All I could think in that moment was how I couldn’t get my shit together. And I was sure they were thinking the same thing. *I know they all weren't but the reality is: people will judge and I cannot do a thing about that except choose not to take it to heart and move on*

So that’s how my week began. And there were some good moments but overall, it was a pretty bad week.

I broke down Wednesday night. I haven’t done that in a long time. Well, not since Lincoln was in the hospital a month ago but that was due to being scared and sleep deprived. This was a real deal.


“I’m spent,” I thought to myself, “I can’t do this anymore.” So I did what I always do to process things, I called family.


It’s more than me losing my Skyler for 4 minutes in the mall. It’s the day in and day out of being a stay at home mom. Somehow this job title is glamorized in this society like Real Housewives. But it’s not like that. It’s not taking a shower, even after a workout because you have to feed your kids, clean the kitchen, and prep dinner. So when they actually do lay down for a nap at the same time (which is rare), you want to lay down too. Because you are exhausted—mentally, physically, emotionally. And before you know it, one is up crying again--- needing you.


And maybe some moms are built to handle that. Maybe they crave the day to day routine. And that’s fine for them, but for me….sometimes it gets old.


I am pretty sure this normal for many mommas. You keep moving forward because you can’t abandon your littles, your house, your hubby, or your job. It’s not in the cards. And we care too much. But once in awhile there comes a time when you need an escape.
And I have come to that. I need a break. I’m tired of being responsible. Of being needed all the time. I’m touched out.


Luckily I have found friends here that have reached out and helped me in need. I cannot thank them enough. I am so grateful for my GR family, as we really don’t have any here.


I wish I could end this post with a “I got a break and I feel amazing.” The truth is that Skyler the stomach flu that night and I just had to swallow my momma sads and move on.


I love being a momma, don’t get me wrong. I really do. And if I tried anything else, I would miss staying at home with my babies. I will get a break. Little ones at a time to look forward to. Also, I need better time management so I get my own little breaks in the day.


And breathe out. Whew. Rant over :)