I write…
It’s hard to come back in a way, even if I have been craving putting words to a page, letting out my thoughts, my fears, my ambitions and of course, confessing my multitude of mistakes as a parent. I feel like I have so much to recount. In fact every time I start writing, I stop and think “there’s just too much, what’s the point?”

But there is a point. A starting point. It may not be where I want to begin and I might recount as I go, but I have to start somewhere.

I will start with this week. It has been a crazy week. No-- it has been a crazy month. But alas, this week.


I feel like I have done a fairly good job mothering two and keeping it together…until this week. I guess it finally hit me. Wednesday. My insecurities started chipping away at me. Of course, it didn’t just begin on Wednesday. I am sure little by little I have lost bits of strength in being a stay at home momma. I mean, even Monday is worth remembering.


Monday- We went to stroller strides (a workout for moms where you can bring your kiddos) at the mall. It’s always a push to do this, knowing that Skyler might break down because he can’t get out of the stroller to see the fish and Lincoln might start wailing his “feed me now” cry. But I go because I feel incredible afterwards. And that my friends, is worth a tantrum or two.
We decided to stay for the craft afterwards which was a cute little rainbow hat (in honor of St. Patty’s day). I let Skyler out of the stroller so he could pick out some colors for the rainbow. I turned around for one second and out of the corner of my eye I saw him go around a wall. Assuming that he would come back around in the circle, I finished what I was doing and looked up again. I scanned the children fast for my boy. No sign. “Where is he?” I thought to myself and my heart began to race. I picked up Lincoln and started walking. Fast. I went to the one store I thought he would have gone to—a children’s book store with his favorite Thomas the Train set. No sign. I darted out and started asking people. As I came out of the storefront, I saw another mom with the same panic on her face. Her son (Skyler’s same age) was missing as well. I let her know the boys were not in the bookstore and we continued our search, enlisting other mothers as we went. After running around like a chicken with my head cutoff, I hear a mom say, “They’re in the elevator!” I bolted towards the glass elevator, and sure enough the boys were in there. As I came to the door feeling a million emotions, I saw him. Smiling. He looked up with me with those big browns and smiled.


I.WAS. FURIOUS. How could he take off like that? I wanted him to understand my fear and my anger. I wanted him to know I thought someone took him and that for a second I thought I might not see my baby again. I grabbed him by the arm and told him never to run away from me again. I could feel the heat behind my eyes, but no tears came. I wouldn’t let them. I was among new friends. Which lead to embarrassment. All I could think in that moment was how I couldn’t get my shit together. And I was sure they were thinking the same thing. *I know they all weren't but the reality is: people will judge and I cannot do a thing about that except choose not to take it to heart and move on*

So that’s how my week began. And there were some good moments but overall, it was a pretty bad week.

I broke down Wednesday night. I haven’t done that in a long time. Well, not since Lincoln was in the hospital a month ago but that was due to being scared and sleep deprived. This was a real deal.


“I’m spent,” I thought to myself, “I can’t do this anymore.” So I did what I always do to process things, I called family.


It’s more than me losing my Skyler for 4 minutes in the mall. It’s the day in and day out of being a stay at home mom. Somehow this job title is glamorized in this society like Real Housewives. But it’s not like that. It’s not taking a shower, even after a workout because you have to feed your kids, clean the kitchen, and prep dinner. So when they actually do lay down for a nap at the same time (which is rare), you want to lay down too. Because you are exhausted—mentally, physically, emotionally. And before you know it, one is up crying again--- needing you.


And maybe some moms are built to handle that. Maybe they crave the day to day routine. And that’s fine for them, but for me….sometimes it gets old.


I am pretty sure this normal for many mommas. You keep moving forward because you can’t abandon your littles, your house, your hubby, or your job. It’s not in the cards. And we care too much. But once in awhile there comes a time when you need an escape.
And I have come to that. I need a break. I’m tired of being responsible. Of being needed all the time. I’m touched out.


Luckily I have found friends here that have reached out and helped me in need. I cannot thank them enough. I am so grateful for my GR family, as we really don’t have any here.


I wish I could end this post with a “I got a break and I feel amazing.” The truth is that Skyler the stomach flu that night and I just had to swallow my momma sads and move on.


I love being a momma, don’t get me wrong. I really do. And if I tried anything else, I would miss staying at home with my babies. I will get a break. Little ones at a time to look forward to. Also, I need better time management so I get my own little breaks in the day.


And breathe out. Whew. Rant over :)

Dearest little one,

Although you may not always be in the front of my mind, you are so very much apart of my daily life. I listen to your heartbeat on my doppler every so often so I can feel closer to you. You give me a few kicks every other day to remind me that you are there. I am so excited to find out if you are a little boy or little girl....only a month away :) Your brother is very busy practicing his skills to become a better toddler for you to play with. He doesn't know it yet, but he is going to love you so much and trust me... you will love him too! We are so excited for you to meet us in 5 short months.

I love you little one. 17 weeks and counting :)

The Bachelorette

So I have been watching the bachelor/bachelorette for years. I wish I could explain why I, among other women, are in a trance for an hour and half every Monday night. There is something to be said about fighting over a guy and something even more grand about having 25 men fight over you! I know I get to an unhealthy place (for me) when I am thinking about this show in my spare time. Although, I think it's healthy to escape from life once and a while to reboot, I am not sure it is healthy for me to do this with television.

With that being said.. umm.... WHY does Emily still have Ryan and Kalan still on the show?? She straight out said that Ryan was manipulative and Kalan was rude the other night. I guess I don't understand?! I have tried to analyze her situation and the only thing I can come up with is that the producers have done so much for her (with having the show in NC and all) that she is throwing them a bone by keeping these tools on the show?! She is sending guys she hasn't been able to spend much time with home rather than the jerks she has and doesn't seem to see a future with. Good TV? I guess. And maybe this is just the reaction they want from us fans. The more we talk about it, the more likely others watch it.

Anyways. That is my thoughts lately. I would rather concentrate on that right now rather than my garage sale. hehe. I am already feeling overwhelmed and it hasn't begun! Oh geez.

Hope you enjoy your day!

Different Strokes

When I got pregnant again, I totally thought I knew what was going to happen. I was pretty anxious about it, actually. First trimester with Skyler I was pretty sick.. so much so that I took Zofran to ease the nausea until 13-14 weeks. Along with that I had pretty bad (excuse my bluntness) .. constipation. Many pregnant women know these symptoms well. I was worried that I would be on my back watching Skyler for about three months. Shockingly this was not the case. I did have a little nausea but nothing to write home about. And I really only felt it at night. It subsided by 12 weeks.

I have found that not only with the nausea has this pregnancy been different that Skyler's but in other ways as well. I didn't have the cramping scare that I did in the beginning with Skyler, I haven't gained a single pound yet (although, I am about 10 pounds heavier this time around...hehe), and my jaw has been giving me trouble this time.

It's a good reminder for me as I look towards the future. This next little one will be completely different than Skyler. He/She will most likely have different likes/dislikes and require different things from me. One thing I am looking foward to is giving breastfeeding another shot. After I said a mournful goodbye to it with Skyler, I was determined to make it work this time around. I am trying not to put too much pressure on myself as I think this can be a really evil cycle in the whole anxiety process. I am also looking foward to holding an itty bitty again. With my postpartum, I didn't have the desire to cuddle and hold Skyler. I also stressed about sleeping so I made it a goal for him to fall asleep by himself at night and I can only remember a handful of times that I let him sleep on me. Other family members enjoyed it but I was a little anxious to enjoy these little moments. I hope that this time around I am able to cherish the sleepy times and not worry about it so much. :) I pray often that I will be bonded with with my new little one.

I also thank God for the times I had with Skyler. I have learned so much about being a mommy from him. I know it will be an adjustment for all of us, but I think mostly for Skler as he goes from being an only child to a brother. I hope he will embrace his new sibling--unfortunatly this will probably be a "uh oh buddy, too tight!" embrace :) hehe. You can only expect so much from a toddler!!

Well that is all my reflections and thoughts for the night. :)

Have a good one!

And we're back!

As many people know now, I am pregnant with my second. I've gotten many "was this planned?" questions since announcing. I can happily say yes, it was. Didn't I realize it would happen so quickly? No. But I am so thankful and blessed.

I'm not going to lie, there are many times I look at Skyler and then look at my belly and say "what am I am thinking?" Those time are especially frequent when he throws his tantrums or screams at the top of his lungs for fun. :) And honestly, I don't know what we were thinking having them so close. There are many upsides and downsides to having 2 under two years. But I know we will be fine. I am especially excited about my two littles playing together. Skyler does a great job with other kids already, so it will be fun to see him interact with the baby :)

One thought that has crossed my mind more than once is the fear of a second round of PPD. It has been close to my mind and prayers lately. It's a very scary thought, more scary to me than labor and delivery. But I think we will be ok. I have a plan in place with my OB.

So I will try to keep up my writing on here as I find it is a nice outlet for my thoughts. Thanks for checking in :)

Jessica

If you give a mouse a cookie...

I pretty much take Skyler everywhere with me. In fact, it is VERY seldom that I am alone anymore. (That feels really sad re-reading it, but ah, such is life post-baby!).

I can remember when baby boy was little. He was like a little accessory-- the cutest one I had! The kid could sleep. AN.Y.WHERE! It was beautiful. I mean, I could take a road trip to Cedar point, hop on a ride and he could be sitting right next to me completely passed out. Ahhhh, those where the days. :) (Yikes, just pictured baby boy on a roller coaster.. scary!)

Anyways.

Not. Any. More.

I mean, let's be honest here. He is a toddler. He wants to explore because he knows he CAN explore. He crawls faster than our dog runs. The kid is a mover and a shaker.

So what did we learn when we were little? If you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to want some milk. :) If you give a baby the ability to move, he's going to want to NEVER BEHAVE IN PUBLIC AGAIN. Just kidding ;) He's going to want to get around no matter where you are or what you have planned. If that doesn't fit into your perfect afternoon plan involving shopping, getting your phone fixed, and eating out.. then well.. you are SOL sista!

Let's begin with shopping. Where shall I begin? Ok, so I tried to go into a store and then we turned around and left. Well, that was easy!

Now, onto Starbucks. Let me just say for a quick sec that I am a firm believer in caffeinated beverages. In fact, for a while there, I was drinking at least a tall mocha or a frap once a day. So if you can imagine with me, walking into one of my fav places with the cutest kid in the world (have to add that when I can :)) and finding that there are indeed, NO highchairs.

You read that right people. STARBUCKS HAS NO HIGH CHAIRS!

The first thought that ran through my mind was.. "you expect me to keep this boy in my lap while I drink my heavenly drink?" Then I realized that they didn't want me to do that. No. Never. I realized that they didn't want babies in there period!

**Side note- I am not sure if all Starbucks are highchair free or if this is just a Knapps Corner thing. Please accept my apologies if you know of a bucks' that has accommodations for littles.

Anyways. It was quite clear that my baby was a surprise to most people in there. A "regular" even commented on Skyler and how different it was that I brought him in. Was it his age? Maybe babies in carseats are more acceptable in this environment. But you try carry a 22 pound baby in a 5 pound carseat on your arm. Not. Fun. :) (Shout out to mommas who do!)

Part of me wants to bring my own seat that attaches to tables and let him go crazy in there. Stick to the man, I say! :) I am sure you baristas out there reading this are scared. Be afraid, very afraid.

So I left starbucks, begrudgingly... coffee in hand, baby in the other (not easy). Luckily I didn't leave the coffee on the top of the car this time (another story for another day). And we went on our way to the Apple store.

I will save you the details but I was holding my phone ever so perfectly so my son could enjoy some Baby Einstein while we waited (also not an easy task).

All that to say: My arms got a full workout today. No, not that.

This: I really appreciate kid-friendly places. I never put much notice into it before I had a child though. Shout out to IHOP, my Physical therapy office, Texas Roadhouse, and all the other places that have seemed to escape me right now. God bless ya. Because without you we would be homebound. They understand that if you give a kid some crayons, he's probably going to eat them, throw them up and then scream uncontrollably.

Have a great day! :)

So. Tired. :)

So I have neglected to post for about a week now. Here is the excuse equation: Skyler sick = Skyler cranky. Skyler cranky = Skyler tired. Skyler sick + cranky + tired = tired momma. I'm sure you understand. :)

So with a tired boy comes all sorts of fun momma drama. Let me admit something real quick. Skyler pinched me on my arm (not on purpose) when I was trying to put him down the other day and I... yelled. It was that sensitive underarm on the upper part of your arm. It was ROUGH. It wasn't ok for me scream but it was a reaction. I didn't even think twice about it. So going forward, I am totally working on my reactions because it scared the crap out of Skyler. Jesse D would be all over that.

Speaking of screaming, Skyler has discovered how to do this. All. The. Time. And I mean, someone give this kid a gold medal because he is a champ screamer. I have tried my best not to react in a negative fashion but when your ears are about to fall off and there is a significant amount of hair that has been pulled out of your head, you start to get a little agitated. Ok REALLY agitated. I start to get a little tick and my head goes to the side and my eye starts twitching and before you know it there is smoke blowing out my nostrils and my ears. And I say, "Ok, buddy, let's not scream.. let's whisper or blow raspberries." And how does he respond? "AHHHHHHHH" and smiles. What a stinkpot. But wow do I love him. I can't help but laugh inside when I think about it later. IN the moment, on the contrary, I am beyond pissed. I mean.. when did my little baby turn into a toddler?? I read up on this topic and found that he is simply practicing his vocals. I can tell you one thing, he is totally ready for his concert, because he's been practicing for weeks, friends. WEEKS.

Anyone have any suggestions? Is it just a phase??

In the meantime, I will be here, earplugs in toe. :)

Have a great day!