If you give a mouse a cookie...

I pretty much take Skyler everywhere with me. In fact, it is VERY seldom that I am alone anymore. (That feels really sad re-reading it, but ah, such is life post-baby!).

I can remember when baby boy was little. He was like a little accessory-- the cutest one I had! The kid could sleep. AN.Y.WHERE! It was beautiful. I mean, I could take a road trip to Cedar point, hop on a ride and he could be sitting right next to me completely passed out. Ahhhh, those where the days. :) (Yikes, just pictured baby boy on a roller coaster.. scary!)

Anyways.

Not. Any. More.

I mean, let's be honest here. He is a toddler. He wants to explore because he knows he CAN explore. He crawls faster than our dog runs. The kid is a mover and a shaker.

So what did we learn when we were little? If you give a mouse a cookie, he's going to want some milk. :) If you give a baby the ability to move, he's going to want to NEVER BEHAVE IN PUBLIC AGAIN. Just kidding ;) He's going to want to get around no matter where you are or what you have planned. If that doesn't fit into your perfect afternoon plan involving shopping, getting your phone fixed, and eating out.. then well.. you are SOL sista!

Let's begin with shopping. Where shall I begin? Ok, so I tried to go into a store and then we turned around and left. Well, that was easy!

Now, onto Starbucks. Let me just say for a quick sec that I am a firm believer in caffeinated beverages. In fact, for a while there, I was drinking at least a tall mocha or a frap once a day. So if you can imagine with me, walking into one of my fav places with the cutest kid in the world (have to add that when I can :)) and finding that there are indeed, NO highchairs.

You read that right people. STARBUCKS HAS NO HIGH CHAIRS!

The first thought that ran through my mind was.. "you expect me to keep this boy in my lap while I drink my heavenly drink?" Then I realized that they didn't want me to do that. No. Never. I realized that they didn't want babies in there period!

**Side note- I am not sure if all Starbucks are highchair free or if this is just a Knapps Corner thing. Please accept my apologies if you know of a bucks' that has accommodations for littles.

Anyways. It was quite clear that my baby was a surprise to most people in there. A "regular" even commented on Skyler and how different it was that I brought him in. Was it his age? Maybe babies in carseats are more acceptable in this environment. But you try carry a 22 pound baby in a 5 pound carseat on your arm. Not. Fun. :) (Shout out to mommas who do!)

Part of me wants to bring my own seat that attaches to tables and let him go crazy in there. Stick to the man, I say! :) I am sure you baristas out there reading this are scared. Be afraid, very afraid.

So I left starbucks, begrudgingly... coffee in hand, baby in the other (not easy). Luckily I didn't leave the coffee on the top of the car this time (another story for another day). And we went on our way to the Apple store.

I will save you the details but I was holding my phone ever so perfectly so my son could enjoy some Baby Einstein while we waited (also not an easy task).

All that to say: My arms got a full workout today. No, not that.

This: I really appreciate kid-friendly places. I never put much notice into it before I had a child though. Shout out to IHOP, my Physical therapy office, Texas Roadhouse, and all the other places that have seemed to escape me right now. God bless ya. Because without you we would be homebound. They understand that if you give a kid some crayons, he's probably going to eat them, throw them up and then scream uncontrollably.

Have a great day! :)

So. Tired. :)

So I have neglected to post for about a week now. Here is the excuse equation: Skyler sick = Skyler cranky. Skyler cranky = Skyler tired. Skyler sick + cranky + tired = tired momma. I'm sure you understand. :)

So with a tired boy comes all sorts of fun momma drama. Let me admit something real quick. Skyler pinched me on my arm (not on purpose) when I was trying to put him down the other day and I... yelled. It was that sensitive underarm on the upper part of your arm. It was ROUGH. It wasn't ok for me scream but it was a reaction. I didn't even think twice about it. So going forward, I am totally working on my reactions because it scared the crap out of Skyler. Jesse D would be all over that.

Speaking of screaming, Skyler has discovered how to do this. All. The. Time. And I mean, someone give this kid a gold medal because he is a champ screamer. I have tried my best not to react in a negative fashion but when your ears are about to fall off and there is a significant amount of hair that has been pulled out of your head, you start to get a little agitated. Ok REALLY agitated. I start to get a little tick and my head goes to the side and my eye starts twitching and before you know it there is smoke blowing out my nostrils and my ears. And I say, "Ok, buddy, let's not scream.. let's whisper or blow raspberries." And how does he respond? "AHHHHHHHH" and smiles. What a stinkpot. But wow do I love him. I can't help but laugh inside when I think about it later. IN the moment, on the contrary, I am beyond pissed. I mean.. when did my little baby turn into a toddler?? I read up on this topic and found that he is simply practicing his vocals. I can tell you one thing, he is totally ready for his concert, because he's been practicing for weeks, friends. WEEKS.

Anyone have any suggestions? Is it just a phase??

In the meantime, I will be here, earplugs in toe. :)

Have a great day!

Confession

I was thinking I would wait a little longer for this post. Something inside me feels like it's the right time though. And it probably won’t be the last post about it, either.

Confession: I had postpartum depression.

Most of my close friends know this already, so I figure it is time to open up to the world :)

Let me start out by saying that I consider myself a very happy person. I have had my down times in the past (more on that in a future post.), but with help, I have managed to get through those valleys. This was both similar, and different. It caught me by surprise. And I will be the first to admit that "bad" surprises do not sit will with this girl.

If there is one thing you should know about me it is that:

I . AM . A . PLANNER.

I plan. It's what I do. I enjoy writing out my days in a planner or making checklist of the activities I must get done. There is a sense of satisfaction when things go as planned. However, on the flip side, I have a lot of anxiety when things do not go as planned.

Enter postpartum depression from stage right.

It hit me like a ton a bricks. I heard about the whole "baby blues" thing. So, I figured when I bawled and hugged the nurses as I left the hospital that it was normal. And when I told Chris that no one could take care of me like Nurse Nancy and asked him what I would do without her, that I was just hormonal. But what I didn't realize is that three weeks later I would be in the same emotional boat.

From what I planned, the first weeks of my son’s life would be a joyous time. We would celebrate the life that we just brought into the world! Hugs, kisses, just staring at him and watching his sleep was the plan, as we floated off on a cloud of rainbows and butterflies. I mean..it was what everyone on facebook did, right? (Don't get me started on that.. another post for another day.)

Needless to say, it didn't go like that for me. My body and brain had other plans (ones that I did NOT okay!). But it happened. And with the birth of my son came serious anxiety, sleepless nights, deep depression, and the longing to disappear.

Side note #1: I am welling up with tears as I write this.. almost embarrassing because I love him so much now. I mean.. I did then.. I just only loved him as well as I could. ya know? :(

Ok.. back to the story. Coming home from the hospital was a nightmare. I got in the car, looked at Skyler and just bawled. How could they let me take him home? Don't they know that I have NO idea what I am doing? I was a HOT mess. I had no clue what I was going to do with a newborn. Perhaps all mommas feel this way to a point. But I was ready to turn around and give him back.

Let me be clear: I did NOT have an instant bond with my son. And it kills me to write this and say it out loud. But I would be lying to myself and you if I said I did.

Side note #2: One of our biggest struggles was breastfeeding. I am not sure if it was because of BFing that we weren't bonding or because of the postpartum that we were having trouble BFing. Either way, it didn't work for us for multiple reasons. Part of me wants to go into that and explain why we couldn't do it. But I feel that if you want to know, please get a hold of me and I will explain if you are going through some issues as well. I have a TON of resources I can recommend. Trust me.. we tried almost everything! :)

So, after a couple weeks of walking around like a zombie, crying when I breastfed, and looking at a baby that I felt no connection with, I decided it was time to take things to another level. The best choice for me was to go back on medication for depression. And let me tell you something. IT WORKED.

For some women they only need to go on meds for a short time until their hormones are re-balanced. Others, it may be a little longer. Either way, I am an advocate for medication when prescribed to those who have exhausted their resources. It's not for everyone. But it's for someone. And it was a miracle for me. Within a couple weeks, Skyler and I had an unbreakable bond. He was beautiful. And when I said "I love you" it wasn't empty or forced like before. It was real.

So there it is people. Jesse D. would be shocked. Maybe you are too. But I can tell you that I am a better mother because of it. I know that I will not always "feel" the feelings of love towards my children but I have a choice to show them love. And man, do I love the hell out of my baby boy. :)

Hope you have a great day!


PS: I would be doing my family and friends an injustice if I failed to thank them in this post. THANK YOU to those who came around us and supported us during this difficult time. We couldn't have done it without you. Skyler is a better person because of you all .. and so am I :)

The case of the missing... mind

Sunday turned out to be a fun filled family day. We always have great intentions for the weekends, we really do. We get a little lazy sometimes and sleep becomes priority. I am sure you understand :) Anyways. This weekend was different! We went to the Fredrick Meijer Gardens and saw the butterflies (if you haven't gone, please go.. it's worth it!) and then we went to the park down the street. It was a big day for Skyler.. and us :)

But lets rewind a little bit to Sunday morning. We missed church (darn time change!) so we decided to go out to eat and to go see the butterflies.

It's always an adventure getting ready to go somewhere. My mom told me when I first had Skyler that I needed to allow at least 15-30 minutes of extra time to get out the door. It was a little easier when he was younger, I think. He slept most of the time, so when he got in his car seat, he was practically asleep before we got out the door! (Ah.. those were the days...:)) It's a bit of a different story nowadays. Let me break it down for you.

12:00- Change diaper and put on clothes
12:10- Change diaper and take off poopy clothes
12:15- Change my clothes because they got poop on them
12:20- Chase Skyler around the house trying to put his socks back on
12:25- Change Skyler’s clothes again after he reached into the toilet and got his sleeves wet
12:35- Put Skyler in car seat, in car
12:40- Go get Skyler's coat "just in case" and put it on hood of car
12:42- Go get diaper bag since I forgot to put it in the car in the first place
12:45- Go back into the house to get purse
12:46- Finally leave for the Gardens.
12:47- Stop the car in driveway because I forgot to get coat off hood of car.
12:48- Leave FOR REAL

I think you get the picture. MOMMA WAS RIGHT! And again, I only have one child. Younger me (for the sake of mentioning her numerous times, we will call her "Jesse D" " would have totally been like "What the heck, get your stuff together, how does it take 45 minutes to get out the door?" Well, Jesse D, BACK OFF SISTER. Clearly I had no idea.

So to get to the real story behind this story, I was playing outside with Skyler that afternoon after we got home and he took a nap. I noticed a van drive by and look at us. I smiled (closed mouth.. it's my polite smile). Then all of the sudden it pulled into a driveway down the street and turned around, coming back towards us. (Side note-- when I told my sister in law this story, she stopped me right there and said, "DON'T TAKE THE CANDY!".. I busted out laughing.) No they weren't offering candy.. they were offering something more more valuable.

They pulled up in front of us and a woman leaned out the the passenger seat and said, "We noticed you have a Volvo. Are you missing any keys?" I was caught off guard. "No, I don't think so?!" Then, out of her lap she lifted MY set of keys and dangled them over the window. "Oh," she said, "We just found these down the street and we've been searching for the owner for a couple hours."

Oh. My. Word.

How in the world did my keys get lost? It was the weirdest thing. They proceeded to tell me that they were on their way to turn them into the police because they exhausted their resources in trying to find the owner.

Again.
Oh.My.Word.

I was in shock. I thanked them and went inside to tell Chris. Seriously? I thought to myself. I didn't even drive today. Chris drove us everywhere. I decided I was losing it. My mind that is. They say you get a little forgetful and loopsy when you are pregnant because the baby is taking all the nutrients from your brain (ok they may not say that, but that was my interpretation). But I swear.. there is a lasting effect, people. Because I think I'm losing my mind. And let me tell you something. Jesse D would be shaking her head and perhaps rolling her eyes at me right now.

God bless that couple in that blue Honda Oddy. I had no idea those keys were even gone. I was blissfully unaware, if you will.

Whew. It turned out to be a GREAT weekend. There are still nice people out there! It's so nice to know that I live in a safe area.

Have a great day!

Glorious Nap times

I think I may have mentioned in my earlier post that I am able to blog during nap times. Skyler is still taking two naps, so I am able to get a lot done during the day when he is down.

NAP TIMES ARE MY "ME" TIME.

They really have become my saving grace. Just when I feel like I have exausted all of my jokes, songs, dances, and elmo impressions, something magical happens.

A....wait for it.... YAWN.

And all the sudden the millions of "me's" break out into the Hallelujah Chorus, sung in glorious harmony (in my head of course) :)

I look at the clock and let out a big sigh of relief. "Well bud, it looks like it's time for naptime! YAY!" (side note- when you work at a place that claps and says "yay" all of the time for children, you tend to bring that home. And you know what? I'm ok with it. :) )

As expected, he is not as thrilled as I am. But we get the blankie and paci and head down to his crib where I lay him down and close the door. I stand there, for a few minutes, with my ear next to the door. Will he fight it today? I ask myself. And then..silence. I do my happy dance (it looks a little something like Carlton's dance from Fresh Prince), and turn to go up the stairs. As get to the top of the stairs, my back begins to loosen, and I start to feel relaxed. I've only got 45 min-1 hour to get what I need to get done. And to be quite honest, most of the time, instead of heading towards the pile of dirty dishes, or the heaps of laundry to be folded, I turn and go straight to my bed.

Being a mom is tiring. I think I have less energy than when I was pregnant if that is even possible. :) It's the good kind of tired though, you know? Like after a good workout, or after you make a fabulous meal, or finish cleaning your house. I guess it's the rewarding tired.

And I only have one!! Props to the momma's out there who rock it out each day with two, three, four, or even nineteen kids! (Let's be honest here, whatever that sweet woman is on, I want some! Amen? AMEN!)

So, I'm going to cut this short, since I only have about 15 minutes left of naptime. You know where I'll be :)

Have a great day!

My first post

I have thought a lot about creating a blog after I had Skyler. I threw a bunch of names around, but one that stuck out to me was my confessions as a bad mom. Now, apparently this is a popular name on Blogger because I went through a ton of options that were already taken. Finally found one that was open and here I am :)


Now I want to make something clear right off the bat. At my point in my life, I do NOT think I am a bad mom whatesoever. I think I do my darndest to be the best mom I can to Skyler and the best wife to Chris. Do I fall short a lot? Yes. Do I forgive myself? Yes. Does God forgive me? YES. Does Skyler forgive me? I hope so :) So you are probably wondering why I chose this name?! I joke a lot that if my teenage or even early twenty self could see myself now, she would totally be in shock and disgust. I am actually ashamed of how much I secretely judged moms in the past ten years or so. Knowing what I know now, and let me tell you, it's probably only 10% of what my mom and other moms around me know, I seriously would have slapped my previously self in the face and been like "whatever, you try it."


Needless to say here I am. And I feel like I'm not the only one. I think most women (who have a desire to raise children someday) have a certian idea of what kind of mom they want to be. I mean, I studied the crap out of early childhood. I feel like I know a ton of theories and ways to help grow children. I've worked as a nanny and in childcare, but NOTHING, I mean NOTHING prepared me for what I brought home from the hospital that warm day in April of last year.


It's funny because I remember my mom telling me, like I am sure many moms say, that I didn't come with a manual. I remember thinking about that a couple years ago and wanting to call her up and say, "Mom, there are and I am sure, were, many books out there that could have helped you guys, come on!" Until Skyler came into my life, I think I would have agreed with myself. But she is right. It doesn't matter how many books I read, how many conferences I go to, and how much experience I gain. Every child is different. And it is sure as hell is different raising your own flesh and blood! (Can I get an Amen? No? Not after I said hell? Ok, fair enough:))


Back to this blog thing. So here I am, almost a year later (what a CRAZY year it has been, by the way) and I still feel brain dead. Like I forgot everything I learned in school, through my experiences, and in books. But lets face it, no one has raised Skyler Franklin Kreeger before. I am doing things much differently than what I thought I would. And to be honest, it's a little scary putting this out there. There are still lots of women, who like my former self, judge the crap out of moms. But thats not who I'm blogging for. I am blogging for the moms who are like me out there who need to feel a little better about when they leave their kids the car to run into the post office, or change a poopy diaper on a public bathroom floor because there is no changing table, or lock themselves in the bathroom, away from the children, when they feel like they just might burst (hasn't happend yet, but I wouldn't put it past me in a couple of years..err months :))


Maybe my stories will make you feel better about yours, or maybe you could tell some that put mine to shame. Either way, this is, and hopefully will continue to be a safe place. Blogging can be scary, but I have a good feeling about this. I have a great support system who loves me no matter how many times I fail as a parent :) I hope that you all do as well.. and if you don't, you have atleast one person.. me!


Whew. I think that will be it for today. Nap time is almost over. :)


Have a great day!