Confession

I was thinking I would wait a little longer for this post. Something inside me feels like it's the right time though. And it probably won’t be the last post about it, either.

Confession: I had postpartum depression.

Most of my close friends know this already, so I figure it is time to open up to the world :)

Let me start out by saying that I consider myself a very happy person. I have had my down times in the past (more on that in a future post.), but with help, I have managed to get through those valleys. This was both similar, and different. It caught me by surprise. And I will be the first to admit that "bad" surprises do not sit will with this girl.

If there is one thing you should know about me it is that:

I . AM . A . PLANNER.

I plan. It's what I do. I enjoy writing out my days in a planner or making checklist of the activities I must get done. There is a sense of satisfaction when things go as planned. However, on the flip side, I have a lot of anxiety when things do not go as planned.

Enter postpartum depression from stage right.

It hit me like a ton a bricks. I heard about the whole "baby blues" thing. So, I figured when I bawled and hugged the nurses as I left the hospital that it was normal. And when I told Chris that no one could take care of me like Nurse Nancy and asked him what I would do without her, that I was just hormonal. But what I didn't realize is that three weeks later I would be in the same emotional boat.

From what I planned, the first weeks of my son’s life would be a joyous time. We would celebrate the life that we just brought into the world! Hugs, kisses, just staring at him and watching his sleep was the plan, as we floated off on a cloud of rainbows and butterflies. I mean..it was what everyone on facebook did, right? (Don't get me started on that.. another post for another day.)

Needless to say, it didn't go like that for me. My body and brain had other plans (ones that I did NOT okay!). But it happened. And with the birth of my son came serious anxiety, sleepless nights, deep depression, and the longing to disappear.

Side note #1: I am welling up with tears as I write this.. almost embarrassing because I love him so much now. I mean.. I did then.. I just only loved him as well as I could. ya know? :(

Ok.. back to the story. Coming home from the hospital was a nightmare. I got in the car, looked at Skyler and just bawled. How could they let me take him home? Don't they know that I have NO idea what I am doing? I was a HOT mess. I had no clue what I was going to do with a newborn. Perhaps all mommas feel this way to a point. But I was ready to turn around and give him back.

Let me be clear: I did NOT have an instant bond with my son. And it kills me to write this and say it out loud. But I would be lying to myself and you if I said I did.

Side note #2: One of our biggest struggles was breastfeeding. I am not sure if it was because of BFing that we weren't bonding or because of the postpartum that we were having trouble BFing. Either way, it didn't work for us for multiple reasons. Part of me wants to go into that and explain why we couldn't do it. But I feel that if you want to know, please get a hold of me and I will explain if you are going through some issues as well. I have a TON of resources I can recommend. Trust me.. we tried almost everything! :)

So, after a couple weeks of walking around like a zombie, crying when I breastfed, and looking at a baby that I felt no connection with, I decided it was time to take things to another level. The best choice for me was to go back on medication for depression. And let me tell you something. IT WORKED.

For some women they only need to go on meds for a short time until their hormones are re-balanced. Others, it may be a little longer. Either way, I am an advocate for medication when prescribed to those who have exhausted their resources. It's not for everyone. But it's for someone. And it was a miracle for me. Within a couple weeks, Skyler and I had an unbreakable bond. He was beautiful. And when I said "I love you" it wasn't empty or forced like before. It was real.

So there it is people. Jesse D. would be shocked. Maybe you are too. But I can tell you that I am a better mother because of it. I know that I will not always "feel" the feelings of love towards my children but I have a choice to show them love. And man, do I love the hell out of my baby boy. :)

Hope you have a great day!


PS: I would be doing my family and friends an injustice if I failed to thank them in this post. THANK YOU to those who came around us and supported us during this difficult time. We couldn't have done it without you. Skyler is a better person because of you all .. and so am I :)